A new journey.

"You can't lead where you haven't been"

I've heard this quote from many different people over time, and it rings very true to me now.

Very simply, I have been trying for a long time to lead people to the feet of Jesus when I rarely bother with him myself. Sometimes I act like a representative of Christ when the truth often is that I dont follow him.

I am realizing finally what people wiser than myself have probably already known, that I'm not pursuing God's kingdom as much as my own.

I say things like "I'm not sure if God exists sometimes" and it doesnt surprise me that I havent heard him because I rarely take the time to listen these days.

I asked God tonight how to surrender, how to die to myself, I asked him what to do. He very clearly told me I needed to die to success. I tried to argue with him the logic that the more I look like him and do things for others the more people will build me up as they have so far. I also tried to say that if I didnt pursue my own success, that I would lose everything and everyone I worked so hard to attain.

His response was quite simple in helping me realize that if I stay on a path of self-seeking and trying hard for success, and in doing so neglecting the hearts and needs of others, that I will in fact lose everything and everyone. He also helped me realize that while our culture will build people who live genuine lives up as celebrities, that it doesnt matter. I will always need to be close to Jesus regardless of my standing with people.

There was a time when I knew very clearly how broken and in need of Jesus I was. A time when his grace was enough. I cant say I'd like that back, that I would like to be that person, because I have experienced too much life and I am forever changed.

But this person I am now is unacceptable. I cant change my past, I cant change the selfishness, the total disregard for others, but every time I take a breath I am given a second chance to make things right, to lose my life for the sake of Christ.

Every breath I take is a second chance to stop talking about God, and actually let my heart draw nearer to him.