When I remove my pride.....

It's really, really hard for me to sit here with nothing to do today. Really, really hard.

Now, obviously, being that I'm sitting in a hotel room in beautiful Atlantic City with this problem, you must be saying to yourself  "Corey, thats a great problem to have! It's not even a problem!" While that sentiment rings true in many ways, in my mind the difficulty with being bugged by having nothing to do hints at a much deeper issue for myself.

I was asked about a month ago what it meant to me to be "fearfully & wonderfully made" as the psalmist put it in Psalm 139. My response? "If thats true, it means I lack purpose."

You see, so much of who I am has become defined by what I do, and not just my career, but my accomplishments, my awards, my applause, my praise, my circle of friends, my calendar. All of that stuff has come to define me.

I wish the answer was as simple as I just need to clear my calendar up and stop being so busy, but even when I stare at an empty task list like I am right now, I try to invent ways to be busy. I cant just....... be.

If I am fearfully & wonderfully made by God, that means he loves me for me! That means that the things I do that others may celebrate or the world may look at as success, ultimately have no bearing on how God feels about me!

That notion upsets me greatly. "But God!" I say, " You cant love me for me! Its not possible! I am as good as what I produce! Everybody knows that. The world affirms that. Why cant you get with the picture?"

This is the message I give myself: To do is to be loved, to be loved is the result of what I produce and how I earn it.

I feel the gentle whisper of the Father giving me a new message this week: "You are my son, nothing changes that. I love you buddy! I love you because you are you! I loved you before you ever did anything!"

Whoa.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer said in his book "Life Together" that "all sin is rooted in pride." Yes! Because pride doesnt just mean we think more highly of ourselves, it also is prideful when we let our insecurities rule in us as well! Pride is a total and unwavering focus on the self, on me. My rights, my honor, my glory.

Pride has to get out of the way for perfect love to be made complete in us.

Its not instantaneous, but I'm on the journey. I've taken another step on the road to realizing that the God who created our vast universe, who created this ocean I'm currently staring at, loves me.

We are "significantly insignificant" as Louie Giglio put it. Our lives are a breath, our planet but a tiny blue dot in the galaxy. Yet God took our form to die for us, he took our form to be with us. Why? Because that is the very nature of God, to love.

You are loved. Period. It's a fact, a truth. So be loved. It can be harder than I ever realized to accept this truth sometimes, but it's still truth :)