I never thought I would ever get to see Las Vegas. Matter of fact, growing up I never thought I would get to travel anywhere.
I can remember being in middle school and asking my mom if Florida had McDonalds and all the things we have in Ohio. The world and it's contents seemed so out of reach to me that I couldnt even fathom a world that existed outside of what I had seen up to that point.
(I even recall being in high school asking my friends if Kentucky was the capital of Tennessee. Yup. That happened.)
Since that time I have been blessed to travel quite a bit. I still have never been out of the country, but I have gotten to be almost everywhere within it. Las Vegas culture is reminiscent of many that I have seen, but is still highly unique. When you are in Vegas it can be easy to feel like you are on a whole other planet.
I absolutely love to travel. I think its partly because it's something I thought I would never do, partly because its nice to get away from home sometimes, and mostly because the environment and perspective change allows me to connect with God on a deeper level most of the time.
I especially love traveling with a purpose. The purpose of this particular trip is to bless some folks in the area by doing a Laundry Love Project out here. We are doing the project tomorrow and I have no idea what to expect, but I know that God will show up.
I know that God will show up because he has been speaking to me about the reality that the heart of Jesus beats the same yesterday, today, and forever. That the reality we live in is the present risenness of Jesus at all times. That he has not and will never leave us or forsake us and that life isnt just some string of random moments but in Christ it is a series of events that challenge us, grow us, and ultimately transform us.
I'm still searching for God so bad. The emotional baggage I carry, the things I have experienced both good & bad, the mere reality of growing up into an adult, & so much more can often serve as the biggest obstacle between me & God.
Much like the concept of traveling when I was a kid, the reality of God & his presence can seem so out of reach sometimes. But it is here in Las Vegas that I am being reminded that it is in fact never out of reach. That God is always present, his Spirit always willing & able to work in and through us.
God is slowly but surely building in me the confidence of a purpose, of his grace knowing no limits, and of his love being the ultimate reality.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
?
My mind opens up like a movie screen
as projections of past rejections
scroll on by. That kind by which I've lived
and the kind that have caused me to die.
All breeding the hurt that led to this day
when to answer the unanswerable
becomes the most seemingly impossible task
ever put in my way.
To say it was a lack of communication
is to put it gently
To say it's because it's new territory
is to say it correctly
The second verse has always been
the hardest to write.
My mind knows what I want
but then doubts it mid-flight.
Kind of like with you
the beginning was clear
but the end, well that's a whole other story
that seems so near.
My head is capable of many things.
trapping me within, however,
might be it's biggest claim
to fame.
Like the style of this poem
my thoughts move and shift
sometimes I'm unable to keep up
and my thoughts go adrift.
For you, I'll try to catch one
of the best kind I know
the one that gives the honest answer
and brings about hope.
I've not much left to say
only that I'm sorry
and as you ask me "for what?"
that there's no simple end to this story.
as projections of past rejections
scroll on by. That kind by which I've lived
and the kind that have caused me to die.
All breeding the hurt that led to this day
when to answer the unanswerable
becomes the most seemingly impossible task
ever put in my way.
To say it was a lack of communication
is to put it gently
To say it's because it's new territory
is to say it correctly
The second verse has always been
the hardest to write.
My mind knows what I want
but then doubts it mid-flight.
Kind of like with you
the beginning was clear
but the end, well that's a whole other story
that seems so near.
My head is capable of many things.
trapping me within, however,
might be it's biggest claim
to fame.
Like the style of this poem
my thoughts move and shift
sometimes I'm unable to keep up
and my thoughts go adrift.
For you, I'll try to catch one
of the best kind I know
the one that gives the honest answer
and brings about hope.
I've not much left to say
only that I'm sorry
and as you ask me "for what?"
that there's no simple end to this story.
Monday, June 4, 2012
My Rejected Friend.
A couple of days ago I was sitting in a meeting at a coffee shop drinking some tea. A disheveled man walks in soaking wet from the pouring rain outside. He shuffled over gingerly to my table and approached me and my friends asking if we could help him get something to eat.
Before I could respond one of the workers at the coffee shop said "Hey man, you can't be in here. You have to go." So as the man began to leave I got up and followed him to the door and said "Come on man, I'll walk with you to go get some food." The moment we walked into the restaurant one of the workers looked at him and instantly said "Hey, you know that you can't be in here, you have to go." To which the man pointed at me and replied "But he's buying me food." Then they let us stay.
That man I was with seemed to have a pretty negative reputation around that part of town. The workers who told him to leave seemed to know his face and his name. It seemed to me that whatever he had done in the past was enough to make him not wanted at these establishments.
I'm not telling this story because I want you to focus on my actions, the focus of this story is the man I was with. In those moments spent with him I felt the pain of a life rejected, A life tossed aside. I felt for a brief instance what it was like to go around and not be wanted wherever you were. And it hurt a lot.
I dont know what this guy did and I'm sure these workers had a good reason for not wanting him around, but I couldnt help but think to myself how opposite this was of the love of God. I couldnt help but think of the countless times I have done something that could have made God ashamed of me or could have made him not want me around anymore. I had no choice but to remember that countless times that God has shown me grace for my humanity and inability to be the person I should be.
Quite frankly, I have not been the person I should be lately. I feel overwhelmed and I feel a distinct inability to sort out the mess going on in my own head. I feel incapable of setting aside my emotions and focusing on God and the people around me. I've been trapped in my own mind and the fruit of it has been destruction, or even worse, a lack of action.
Not having an earthly father has been devastating to me. But God showed me a picture a few nights ago of myself as a little boy being held by my father. All of my senses were engaged in that moment, as my father drifted away and was replaced in the picture by Jesus.
I felt a safety and security for that brief moment like never before. And I believe it was God reminding me that he is the key to the safety & security I so desperately seek.
That man I was with was turned away everywhere we went. He literally seemed to have no place of belonging. Too often in my life I have been able to relate to that feeling. But I know that we serve a God who is more than capable of redeeming broken situations, and who sticks it out with us and never turns us away no matter how much we may deserve it sometimes.
When all we feel is lost and alone, abandoned & rejected, may we not forget our God, who is our rock & fortress.
Before I could respond one of the workers at the coffee shop said "Hey man, you can't be in here. You have to go." So as the man began to leave I got up and followed him to the door and said "Come on man, I'll walk with you to go get some food." The moment we walked into the restaurant one of the workers looked at him and instantly said "Hey, you know that you can't be in here, you have to go." To which the man pointed at me and replied "But he's buying me food." Then they let us stay.
That man I was with seemed to have a pretty negative reputation around that part of town. The workers who told him to leave seemed to know his face and his name. It seemed to me that whatever he had done in the past was enough to make him not wanted at these establishments.
I'm not telling this story because I want you to focus on my actions, the focus of this story is the man I was with. In those moments spent with him I felt the pain of a life rejected, A life tossed aside. I felt for a brief instance what it was like to go around and not be wanted wherever you were. And it hurt a lot.
I dont know what this guy did and I'm sure these workers had a good reason for not wanting him around, but I couldnt help but think to myself how opposite this was of the love of God. I couldnt help but think of the countless times I have done something that could have made God ashamed of me or could have made him not want me around anymore. I had no choice but to remember that countless times that God has shown me grace for my humanity and inability to be the person I should be.
Quite frankly, I have not been the person I should be lately. I feel overwhelmed and I feel a distinct inability to sort out the mess going on in my own head. I feel incapable of setting aside my emotions and focusing on God and the people around me. I've been trapped in my own mind and the fruit of it has been destruction, or even worse, a lack of action.
Not having an earthly father has been devastating to me. But God showed me a picture a few nights ago of myself as a little boy being held by my father. All of my senses were engaged in that moment, as my father drifted away and was replaced in the picture by Jesus.
I felt a safety and security for that brief moment like never before. And I believe it was God reminding me that he is the key to the safety & security I so desperately seek.
That man I was with was turned away everywhere we went. He literally seemed to have no place of belonging. Too often in my life I have been able to relate to that feeling. But I know that we serve a God who is more than capable of redeeming broken situations, and who sticks it out with us and never turns us away no matter how much we may deserve it sometimes.
When all we feel is lost and alone, abandoned & rejected, may we not forget our God, who is our rock & fortress.
Friday, May 11, 2012
"Abba"
In an attempt for security and safety, I have built up a
false self that is dedicated to providing the love I so desperately crave and
it does so by focusing on my performance and whether I meet the expectations I
set for myself (or let others set for me).
More and more I believe that God’s biggest desire for me is
not to be ridden with anxiety and fear, but to be loved by him. As crazy as
this notion sounds to my “do-it-all, know-it-all” self, I think it’s reality.
This is not to say that there isn’t work to be done for
God’s kingdom, but how can I ever do any of the true work God desires if I view
him as a boss and not a father? The disciples once asked Jesus what the work
was that God desired, and Jesus said it was to believe in the one that God
sent. (John 6:28-29) Again when asked about the greatest commandments Jesus
says that it is love for God and love for neighbor (Mark 12).
It would seem to me that the reality we see in the Bible is:
God is Love
God draws us to him (love)
God doesn’t stop loving us when we fail (his character
doesn’t change)
God’s love compels us to truly and fully love others
In his book “Abba’s Child” Brennan Manning asks: “ Do you
honestly believe God likes you, not just loves you because theologically God
has to love you?”
I believe when our answer to that question is yes, and we
mean it, that we are overcome with a beautiful compassion for ourselves,
because the heart of God is one of absolute tenderness and compassion.
Jesus captures the fullness of God’s love whenever he refers
to God in the most intimate way possible as his “Abba.” That word “Abba” is the
most meaningful way one could refer to their father.
When my Father died, my heart grew calloused. It signified
the end of any possibility of experiencing that “Abba” relationship on Earth.
Or so I thought.
God is slowly and continually transforming my view of him, which
I think, is where the healing process truly begins. If I only know God as boss,
or anything but my “Abba” then know matter what wounds open up, they wont find
healing.
So a weary, broken, and humbled traveler, I resume this
journey of finding the identity that lies in Christ, the true self. I hope that
no matter who you are, you will walk this journey with me. I hope that God
reveals his unwavering love for you as he has begun to reveal it to me.
I am finally able to have hope, because “you have not
received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a
spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, ‘Abba! Father!’” (Romans 8:15)
Monday, April 30, 2012
....love is made complete.
"You can't give what you don't have"
Those words echoed in my head as I walked the shoreline. I could feel the water between my toes, coming in and leaving again, in the steady rhythm of the tide. At the same time I could feel the water streaming down my face as I surveyed an empty beach.
What was it I wanted to give? God's Love. What was the one thing I wanted more than anything in the world, but didnt think I had? God's love.
It has always felt like the greatest irony in the world to teach and preach of the Father's compassionate love while my own soul has remained numb to it's reality. But thats what I did. Out of an inability to truly mourn my past hurts, to truly come to God as the broken person I am, I created what Brennan Manning calls in his book "Abba's Child" the impostor. The impostor is a fake self, born of fear and grown by the constant harsh realities of the human condition.
I've told my self my whole life, that I can only be accepted when everything is going well. When I perform well, I please God. When I dont, he is disappointed. I told myself that God loves me in spite of my sin, when the truth is that he loves me with it, because that is full acceptance.
I think what breaks the heart of God more than anything is our fear and self rejection. We fear ourselves and everything and everyone around us, and we project our hatred of ourselves and our fearing of screwing up onto God.
"When I remove my pride....love is made complete"
Thomas Merton says "The reason we never enter into the deepest reality of our relationship with God, is that we so seldom acknowledge our utter nothingness before him."
In 2 Corinthians 12:9 the apostle Paul writes "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."
I guess you could say I am learning to come to terms with my weakness. I believe God loves me in a way I havent believed in a while.
And I believe this is everything. I have made it my life to do anything humanly possible to give the love of the Father to those around me. I have toiled, studied, worked, done everything in my power to show his love to others.
But. "You can't give what you dont have." So God is showing me now that I do have his love. That I have something to give. That, as Macaulay Culkin put it in Home Alone "I'm not afraid anymore!"
I'm through with self-rejection, and through with fear. Fully recognizing that I am Gods son, and he is my father. Fully recognizing that while this will continue to be a process, God has in fact met me on that beach in Atlantic City. He is transforming me and conforming me to the likeness of his son.
Only when I feel safe with God do I feel safe with myself. And I'm learning to feel safe with God.
Those words echoed in my head as I walked the shoreline. I could feel the water between my toes, coming in and leaving again, in the steady rhythm of the tide. At the same time I could feel the water streaming down my face as I surveyed an empty beach.
What was it I wanted to give? God's Love. What was the one thing I wanted more than anything in the world, but didnt think I had? God's love.
It has always felt like the greatest irony in the world to teach and preach of the Father's compassionate love while my own soul has remained numb to it's reality. But thats what I did. Out of an inability to truly mourn my past hurts, to truly come to God as the broken person I am, I created what Brennan Manning calls in his book "Abba's Child" the impostor. The impostor is a fake self, born of fear and grown by the constant harsh realities of the human condition.
I've told my self my whole life, that I can only be accepted when everything is going well. When I perform well, I please God. When I dont, he is disappointed. I told myself that God loves me in spite of my sin, when the truth is that he loves me with it, because that is full acceptance.
I think what breaks the heart of God more than anything is our fear and self rejection. We fear ourselves and everything and everyone around us, and we project our hatred of ourselves and our fearing of screwing up onto God.
"When I remove my pride....love is made complete"
Thomas Merton says "The reason we never enter into the deepest reality of our relationship with God, is that we so seldom acknowledge our utter nothingness before him."
In 2 Corinthians 12:9 the apostle Paul writes "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."
I guess you could say I am learning to come to terms with my weakness. I believe God loves me in a way I havent believed in a while.
And I believe this is everything. I have made it my life to do anything humanly possible to give the love of the Father to those around me. I have toiled, studied, worked, done everything in my power to show his love to others.
But. "You can't give what you dont have." So God is showing me now that I do have his love. That I have something to give. That, as Macaulay Culkin put it in Home Alone "I'm not afraid anymore!"
I'm through with self-rejection, and through with fear. Fully recognizing that I am Gods son, and he is my father. Fully recognizing that while this will continue to be a process, God has in fact met me on that beach in Atlantic City. He is transforming me and conforming me to the likeness of his son.
Only when I feel safe with God do I feel safe with myself. And I'm learning to feel safe with God.
When I remove my pride.....
It's really, really hard for me to sit here with nothing to do today. Really, really hard.
Now, obviously, being that I'm sitting in a hotel room in beautiful Atlantic City with this problem, you must be saying to yourself "Corey, thats a great problem to have! It's not even a problem!" While that sentiment rings true in many ways, in my mind the difficulty with being bugged by having nothing to do hints at a much deeper issue for myself.
I was asked about a month ago what it meant to me to be "fearfully & wonderfully made" as the psalmist put it in Psalm 139. My response? "If thats true, it means I lack purpose."
You see, so much of who I am has become defined by what I do, and not just my career, but my accomplishments, my awards, my applause, my praise, my circle of friends, my calendar. All of that stuff has come to define me.
I wish the answer was as simple as I just need to clear my calendar up and stop being so busy, but even when I stare at an empty task list like I am right now, I try to invent ways to be busy. I cant just....... be.
If I am fearfully & wonderfully made by God, that means he loves me for me! That means that the things I do that others may celebrate or the world may look at as success, ultimately have no bearing on how God feels about me!
That notion upsets me greatly. "But God!" I say, " You cant love me for me! Its not possible! I am as good as what I produce! Everybody knows that. The world affirms that. Why cant you get with the picture?"
This is the message I give myself: To do is to be loved, to be loved is the result of what I produce and how I earn it.
I feel the gentle whisper of the Father giving me a new message this week: "You are my son, nothing changes that. I love you buddy! I love you because you are you! I loved you before you ever did anything!"
Whoa.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer said in his book "Life Together" that "all sin is rooted in pride." Yes! Because pride doesnt just mean we think more highly of ourselves, it also is prideful when we let our insecurities rule in us as well! Pride is a total and unwavering focus on the self, on me. My rights, my honor, my glory.
Pride has to get out of the way for perfect love to be made complete in us.
Its not instantaneous, but I'm on the journey. I've taken another step on the road to realizing that the God who created our vast universe, who created this ocean I'm currently staring at, loves me.
We are "significantly insignificant" as Louie Giglio put it. Our lives are a breath, our planet but a tiny blue dot in the galaxy. Yet God took our form to die for us, he took our form to be with us. Why? Because that is the very nature of God, to love.
You are loved. Period. It's a fact, a truth. So be loved. It can be harder than I ever realized to accept this truth sometimes, but it's still truth :)
Now, obviously, being that I'm sitting in a hotel room in beautiful Atlantic City with this problem, you must be saying to yourself "Corey, thats a great problem to have! It's not even a problem!" While that sentiment rings true in many ways, in my mind the difficulty with being bugged by having nothing to do hints at a much deeper issue for myself.
I was asked about a month ago what it meant to me to be "fearfully & wonderfully made" as the psalmist put it in Psalm 139. My response? "If thats true, it means I lack purpose."
You see, so much of who I am has become defined by what I do, and not just my career, but my accomplishments, my awards, my applause, my praise, my circle of friends, my calendar. All of that stuff has come to define me.
I wish the answer was as simple as I just need to clear my calendar up and stop being so busy, but even when I stare at an empty task list like I am right now, I try to invent ways to be busy. I cant just....... be.
If I am fearfully & wonderfully made by God, that means he loves me for me! That means that the things I do that others may celebrate or the world may look at as success, ultimately have no bearing on how God feels about me!
That notion upsets me greatly. "But God!" I say, " You cant love me for me! Its not possible! I am as good as what I produce! Everybody knows that. The world affirms that. Why cant you get with the picture?"
This is the message I give myself: To do is to be loved, to be loved is the result of what I produce and how I earn it.
I feel the gentle whisper of the Father giving me a new message this week: "You are my son, nothing changes that. I love you buddy! I love you because you are you! I loved you before you ever did anything!"
Whoa.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer said in his book "Life Together" that "all sin is rooted in pride." Yes! Because pride doesnt just mean we think more highly of ourselves, it also is prideful when we let our insecurities rule in us as well! Pride is a total and unwavering focus on the self, on me. My rights, my honor, my glory.
Pride has to get out of the way for perfect love to be made complete in us.
Its not instantaneous, but I'm on the journey. I've taken another step on the road to realizing that the God who created our vast universe, who created this ocean I'm currently staring at, loves me.
We are "significantly insignificant" as Louie Giglio put it. Our lives are a breath, our planet but a tiny blue dot in the galaxy. Yet God took our form to die for us, he took our form to be with us. Why? Because that is the very nature of God, to love.
You are loved. Period. It's a fact, a truth. So be loved. It can be harder than I ever realized to accept this truth sometimes, but it's still truth :)
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Delaware.
I hug the darkness
wear it like a badge
lock it away inside
fear drives me mad
Scared of the light
of what's underneath
Scared of hoping
I hide under the sheets
Oh Delaware, I'm aware
my confession, needs to be made
Oh Maryland, could you
let love land?
Let it fall right at my feet.
Trees in bloom
make some room
for spring to rise
for love to be true
But this winter ark
built in my heart
two by two, marches every doubt
I have about you
wear it like a badge
lock it away inside
fear drives me mad
Scared of the light
of what's underneath
Scared of hoping
I hide under the sheets
Oh Delaware, I'm aware
my confession, needs to be made
Oh Maryland, could you
let love land?
Let it fall right at my feet.
Trees in bloom
make some room
for spring to rise
for love to be true
But this winter ark
built in my heart
two by two, marches every doubt
I have about you
Oh Delaware, I'm aware
my confession, needs to be made
Oh Maryland, could you
let love land?
Let it fall right at my feet.
The dust kicks up
when you touch my heart
a road less traveled
place I've never been
But, life draws nigh
and the summer sky
the dove in the sky
show signs of peace again.
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