In an attempt for security and safety, I have built up a
false self that is dedicated to providing the love I so desperately crave and
it does so by focusing on my performance and whether I meet the expectations I
set for myself (or let others set for me).
More and more I believe that God’s biggest desire for me is
not to be ridden with anxiety and fear, but to be loved by him. As crazy as
this notion sounds to my “do-it-all, know-it-all” self, I think it’s reality.
This is not to say that there isn’t work to be done for
God’s kingdom, but how can I ever do any of the true work God desires if I view
him as a boss and not a father? The disciples once asked Jesus what the work
was that God desired, and Jesus said it was to believe in the one that God
sent. (John 6:28-29) Again when asked about the greatest commandments Jesus
says that it is love for God and love for neighbor (Mark 12).
It would seem to me that the reality we see in the Bible is:
God is Love
God draws us to him (love)
God doesn’t stop loving us when we fail (his character
doesn’t change)
God’s love compels us to truly and fully love others
In his book “Abba’s Child” Brennan Manning asks: “ Do you
honestly believe God likes you, not just loves you because theologically God
has to love you?”
I believe when our answer to that question is yes, and we
mean it, that we are overcome with a beautiful compassion for ourselves,
because the heart of God is one of absolute tenderness and compassion.
Jesus captures the fullness of God’s love whenever he refers
to God in the most intimate way possible as his “Abba.” That word “Abba” is the
most meaningful way one could refer to their father.
When my Father died, my heart grew calloused. It signified
the end of any possibility of experiencing that “Abba” relationship on Earth.
Or so I thought.
God is slowly and continually transforming my view of him, which
I think, is where the healing process truly begins. If I only know God as boss,
or anything but my “Abba” then know matter what wounds open up, they wont find
healing.
So a weary, broken, and humbled traveler, I resume this
journey of finding the identity that lies in Christ, the true self. I hope that
no matter who you are, you will walk this journey with me. I hope that God
reveals his unwavering love for you as he has begun to reveal it to me.
I am finally able to have hope, because “you have not
received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a
spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, ‘Abba! Father!’” (Romans 8:15)
