Friday, December 21, 2012

Stories from the road, Part 2: George's Story

George:

Let me tell you about George. Totally never expected to meet him. Me and my 4 friends encountered him in Minnesota on our road trip out to Montana.

When we met George he was panhandling, trying to raise enough money for a bus ticket to Virginia. We offered to buy him some food, and all went to the Mall of America together.

While there we ate, shared stories, and walked around for a few hours, enjoying each others company. George told us how he has been traveling since he was 17. He hit the road shortly after his father passed away and over the last 15 years has never been in one place for very long.

While in the mall we stopped at a barnes & noble. George asked if we had any good book suggestions, something to read while he is traveling.  One of us suggested the book "Wild at Heart" by John Eldridge, it seemed fitting since George has such an adventurous spirit.

I told him it was a book about hope, and he responded "Boy I could really use that right now." Wow. Perfect timing. You better believe we made sure he walked out with a copy.

I wish my words could perfectly capture how positive of an experience it was for George and our group. The time with George showed me how God perfectly plans our steps and puts the right people in our path. We just need to be discerning and faithful to respond when we hear the prompting of The Holy Spirit.

Stories from the road, Part 1: Dwayne's Story


I need to tell you about 2 people I met while traveling this month. First, let me provide context.

The past few weeks have presented many circumstances that have been threatening to plunge me into despair.

Many of you are aware of some of the situations (i.e. The shooting in Vegas I witnessed), but there have been many more challenges that both myself and my loved ones are facing. Overall it has been a mix bag of internal and external difficulties, and it has all felt very overwhelming.

But, Christ is Lord and Savior, and knows what he is doing. He has very purposefully put 2 people in my path these last few days to minister to me: Dwayne & George.


First, Dwayne's Story.

Dwayne:

I met Dwayne at our Las Vegas laundry project. He was there to get his laundry done for free. So, naturally I thought to myself "I'm gonna go meet this guy and be Jesus to him." Only, I forgot that where the Spirit of God is, mutual transformation happens.

We ended up talking and sharing stories for over an hour. Dwayne told me his story of being involved in a gang, turning his life to Jesus, and becoming involved in church. He also told me of his eventual disenchanment with the church, his life of many struggles, and his desire for community.

However, what kept coming up with Dwayne was theme of Gods faithfulness. Dwayne told me that he has seen God come through too much to ever be done with him for good. Dwayne lives this out by being faithful to help others when given the chance.

Being that I was hearing this the morning after I witnessed a man kill a woman and then himself, I needed to be reminded of Gods faithfulness through even the toughest situations.

Dwayne provided encouragement and a new perspective, I am a better person for having spent time with him this past week.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Faded? or Glorious?

When I look at the stars...
well its hard for me to see any light at all.
They often seem faded.
Just a glimmer off in the distance.

Yet I know that so far away
that same star is burning brighter than I can imagine.
It's stunning.
It radiates glory.

Deep in the cosmos
I wonder what wonders await.
Because here on the Earth
I sometimes doubt things will ever change.

While wonders do await
Our goal is not detachment
from the things occurring right now
that deserve our investment.

Our investment is in those stars
shining around us all
our friends who seem faded
but who deep inside radiate glory.


Thursday, November 22, 2012

The Candle

This started off as a poem, but seemed to lend itself more to a story format. Enjoy :)

"The Candle"

I can see the flicker of a candle burning off in the distance. The light is faint, but I can tell its there and that it is calling to me from what appears to be miles away. As I draw near the light grows no bigger, and I have no way to tell if it is a candle after all. Yet it still produces a sweet aroma, one that allows my nose to catch a whiff that reminds me of home. 

I get a sense though that where I'm heading, well it's not the home I once knew.  It's a new place I'm going to and even though I've never been, I feel a strange calm within. It feels like it's familiar, like I'll know what to do, how to act, and who to be. It feels like I'll recognize the light that is calling to me.

However, this isn't a tale of a journey complete. For I'm still far away from the light, wondering if it is what it seems. But  it's pulling me in and pretty soon I'll know whether to trust it or to run.

I hope I don't run. The existence of the option itself bugs me to no end. For the light promises hope and in spite of all that I possess, all I've sought, bought, wished for, and gained, hope is the one thing I've not been able to obtain. It's always been far out of reach.

Until now. The journey before was dark and it always baffled me because I was never in a tunnel or covering, the light just never came. But its here now and I wont lose it again. I will press on and I will not be overcome.

If all I ever have from this point on, is this one small light to guide my path, then I shall rejoice. I will sing and dance until I cant stand anymore, because this one small flicker is better than what I had before. If this light never grows bigger, never seems to draw near, I shall still walk upright in hope and bow no longer to fear.







Wednesday, November 21, 2012

The Dreamer Within

I've lost the dreamer within
It left, I just can't say when
Life became a game to survive
No place to thrive
It left but its coming again.

Over time you learn to see
Every loss and victory
The gateway to wholeness
The gateway to be
It's finding life in the misery.

The dreamer within was knocked out of the ring
Put on the sideline
Benched in the game
I forgot what it looked like
How it was to feel peace.

The feelings within buried
All the baggage carried
My soul put to the fire
My body burning away
My spirit endured all the flames.

The dreamer rose from the ashes
Made a vow to dream again
But now it's wiser
So when the misery comes
It wont crumble again.


Saturday, October 20, 2012

Two stories of transformed lives.

I just want to give everybody a picture of how we are seeing God show up and change lives in the city of Canton.

I was at one of our Laundry Love Projects today in Southwest Canton and in the midst of the organized chaos of doing laundry and sharing in community with one another, I was able to have 2 very meaningful conversations.

The first was with my friend Valerie. A mom of two from my neighborhood who told me that she recently started going to church again because quite frankly, there was nothing better to do. In her return she is digging into the Bible and trying her hardest to follow Jesus.

The second was with my friend Sully, a great guy who is accustomed to tough circumstances and who has a big heart for people. Sully is set on putting away the old self, following Jesus, and becoming the man God wants him to be. The excitement in his voice for what God is doing was amazing, and his willingness to come volunteer at the Laundry Project was inspiring.

You have to understand, these conversations are so meaningful to me because I have been trying to walk alongside and consistently be in the lives of people who are struggling for the last 5 years. It can often feel like I experience more struggles and defeats in people's stories, but these conversations are evidence that there is reason to rejoice.

In the midst of the tough circumstances we may witness or hear about, God is actively working to restore and redeem lives. And while the growth in their lives may seem small, the fact that they are drawing near to God, even if they dont fully understand what that means yet, is monumental.

I wish I could unravel more of their stories for you because they are inspiring to me. I started the Laundry Love Project on a quest to help people tangibly and love them deeply, and never thought I would see life transformation happen right before my eyes.

Regardless of economic/social standing, any array of tough circumstances, or the feeling of impossibility in one's situation, nothing is too much for God to overcome. Nothing stops God from transforming lives and showing his greatness. Nothing stops him from loving us with everything.

We can't give up on people or write them off as hopeless. We can't believe that people will never get past their circumstances.  We must actively engage with people, walking alongside them and overcoming obstacles together.

And we can't for one second stop understanding that people are created in the image of God, beloved by their creator, and worthy of our all.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Hope for the hopeless (my friend Clarence).

I had an opportunity this morning to do a Laundry Love Project in Tampa, Fl.  It has become very normal at these projects to encounter ordinary people that have lived through extraordinary circumstances. 


Ive met people that have lived in extreme cases of poverty, been in gangs, the military, people who have traveled the world, graduated from a prestigious university, single moms, single dads, people in two parent house holds with five kids, households with no kids, drug addicts, homeless, Christians, atheists, etc. The list of the different people and their circumstances could go on forever.


But one common theme has existed no matter who the person is or what they have been through: Their story is important and they are very loved by God.


I met a man at the project today named Clarence. Clarence is 44, homeless, and has traveled the world. He has been to more places than most people will ever go in their lifetime, and he is also a highly skilled worker who has had great trouble finding employment due to some poor choices in his past.


I talked with Clarence for an hour. He kept reminding me over and over how appreciative he was of the laundry love project. He said what most people don't understand is that clean clothes can cost between 50-100 a month (10 bucks for 1 load, a few times a month), and that not heaving clean clothes means no job interviews and people don't want to be around you very often. 


Clarence hadn't been able to wash his clothes for 3 weeks until today.


Clarence confided in me that faith in God is what gets him through each day. He expressed some hopelessness for the future and I encouraged him to make the most of however much time he was given by loving people as best he could. He said: "that's exactly what y'all are doing."


I share his story because it's a reminder that what's at stake is not just clean laundry, a meal, or shelter. It's all of those things, it's genuine compassion, it's showing someone that they matter. 


Because of a stinkin load of laundry, God instilled hope in Clarence, God reminded him that he cared about Clarence and his story and that Clarence has a future.


Friends, I beg of you, keep your eyes open and your heart near to the Father. I don't want you or I to miss a single opportunity to give someone hope and show them that they matter.



Wednesday, August 1, 2012

How?

I feel a very strong responsibility to help the poor, a very strong call to see people in the most dire situations empowered and given new life and hope.

As unique as this call may seem to me sometimes. It's not. It is the call of all followers of Christ. It is the call to be like Jesus, to care about what he cares about and to model our lives after his.

I wish this strong sense of call was enough though. I wish it was the only thing I needed to live a life that models Christ. But honestly, living like Jesus just feels flat out impossible most of the time.

I often feel the need to give myself a pep talk before entering into a situation where I know love will be required of me and I will most likely get nothing in return. I find myself needing to grasp onto every ounce of strength and spiritual knowledge I have.

But the words of the apostle Paul in Galatians speak to that feeling: "Are you so foolish? After beginning by means of the spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal with human effort?" (Galatians 3:3)


How quickly we forget about the Holy Spirit!


A continued reliance on and connection with the Holy Spirit is the only way we can take the focus off of ourselves, experience the freedom of knowing Christ, and humbly serve one another in love. It's the whole reason Jesus said to the disciples that his departure from earth would be better for them, because he was sending his spirit.


You have a purpose, you have a calling. God has gifted you in very specific ways to do very specific things for his kingdom. The life you are living, no one else will ever live. Therefore we should not be fearful of the task ahead of us. We should not fear when we feel like we have nothing to give, or when  every obstacle comes against us.


We have direct access to God the father through the Holy Spirit. We have direct access to love itself. Let's use it to serve one another and to do what seems impossible. Let's use it to love without expecting in return. Let's draw all our strength from it.


"You were called to be free, do not use your freedom to indulge in the sinful nature, rather serve one another in love." (galatians 3:13)

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Encouragement to Persevere

I have a dream.

I know its cliche, but I do. I dream of communities where people from all racial, economic, and social backgrounds can come together for a common goal.

Communities with people who rise up as leaders to show that growth and change are possible. Communities where people support one another, where each looks out for his neighbor as if it were himself.

I don't dream of a place on Earth with no more hate, division, or selfish behavior. I don't dream of a place without struggle. Because as long as we remain in this human flesh, then pride, hate, division, selfishness, and struggle will always rear their ugly head. However, I dream of communities filled with people that persevere with one another through sin and struggle alike.

We must lift each other and those who are struggling, outcast, undesirable, etc up to the heartbeat of the Father. Because I'm convinced that all of us share the same deep longing to be truly known, to have security and stability.

My trip to Mission: St. Louis reinforced this dream because I saw a glimpse of what the previously described community could look like.

I say reinforced because whether it's a rescue mission in South Dakota, a laundromat in Las Vegas, a native american reservation in Arizona, a neighborhood in St. Louis, or a whole network of non profits & churches in Ohio, I have seen firsthand communities and people working with every fiber of their being to realize this dream of the kingdom of heaven lived out on Earth.

I'm not ignorant anymore to the fact that there are real heroes all over this world who are dedicating their lives to other people and to seeing real change.  These are people you would never know existed, and thats the way they like it. Because they aren't in it for recognition or praise, they are in it so that the name of Jesus be lifted high and so that people in need know there is a God who loves them.

They believe in loving people in action & in truth.

We have one life. Let's use it to make sure that the people who encounter us, encounter Jesus. It's not about you or me and we are not doing it alone. We are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses and have the promise of Jesus that he will walk with us always, to the very end of the age.


Saturday, July 7, 2012

Why St. Louis?

I'm sitting at a starbucks in Chicago waiting for my train to St. Louis, where I will spend the next 4 days.

As I begin yet another journey, I'm finding myself doing a lot of contemplating and reflecting before it even really begins.

What I'm contemplating is the purpose of this trip and what I hope to get out of it. What I'm reflecting on are the events that led to the current spot in life that I'm at.

Let me start with where I'm at and how I got here.

There is a big part of me that wants to do anything and everything to continue to build my image. I'm trying to fight this part of me off like a lion tamer about to get eaten up by a giant lion. I havent had much success fighting it recently, as is to be expected when feelings of loneliness rear their ugly head. In fact, whenever part of my being is threatened, whether it be by fear, loneliness, or whatever, this is the place I run to. The place of pride.

I love Jesus with all my heart, but sometimes I find myself loving my image and my "kingdom" even more.

I'm also in battle with laziness & apathy. This trip to St. Louis is centered around loving and caring for the poor in the best way possible, but over the last few months I've been running on fumes and lacking passion in that area. I've felt relationally burned by some of those I was willing to lay down my life for, and its left a bad taste.

In summation: Where I'm at is fighting off loneliness, pride, and being burned out.

Now to where I'm going.

I'm going to St. Louis to spend time with an organization called Mission: St. Louis (http://www.missionstl.org/). They have been in existence for 6 years doing a ton of work to love the poor and bring restoration to communities and families. They are all about empowerment, education, & economic development. They are committed to seeing lives changed and redeemed.

Thats why I'm going. Because I am committed to seeing lives changed & redeemed, because I've seen it in my life and in the lives of others and I believe it's just what God does.

I'm going to learn, I'm going to serve. I'm going with no expectations and the intent of being in tune with the Holy Spirit and whatever he wants to do.

I'm going because no matter what current brokenness exists in my life, no matter what obstacles may lie ahead, I want to do every possible thing to lay down my life for people and see Christ lifted up.

And I mean that. Because in the midst of pride and dying passion, God has been doing a greater work in my soul. A work that is reshaping his image as my Father and resulting in renewed conviction and desire to go be Jesus to others.

I'll leave you with this quote "Passion is not high emotion but a steely determination, fired by love, to stay centered in the awareness of Christ's present risenness, a drivenness to remain rooted in the truth of who I am, and a readiness to pay the price of fidelity."

More to come.



Saturday, June 30, 2012

Visiting My Childhood


On an impulse tonight I decided to visit my childhood home, the place where I grew up until I was about 10 years old.

It’s an old apartment complex near Wadsworth, OH and I hadn’t been at this place since I moved way back in July of 1999. 13 years has passed since I last set foot on this property.

It’s not a very big space. It probably has about 8 apartments all side by side, a parking lot, a backyard space, and it sits next to a church and behind an abandoned office building.

But going back reminded me of just how huge it seemed growing up. The field that separated us and the office building felt like it was a couple miles long, the trees were the biggest I had ever seen, my apartment felt like a huge mansion, the parking lot was a raceway where I discovered how fast I could go on my bike, and all the steps leading uphill seemed unconquerable.

Tonight I was flooded with memories, great and not so great ones from my early childhood.  Most of which I had forgotten, some by choice.

This slice of town was the world to me, and my only concern was playing with my toys and being with my family and friends. My only need was to be loved.

I have a lot of brokenness in my heart. I’m heavy with hurt and I mourn many things that have both happened to me and that were withheld from me. I need a lot of healing inside.

Tonight was helpful to that end. Because while there were many painful memories that came back from visiting my childhood, what I ultimately experienced was the reality of God’s fatherhood.

I looked back in my mind’s eye and saw God playing basketball with me, walking next to me as I rode my bike, laughing with me in the joyful moments, and comforting me in the sad.

I saw Jesus being a dad from the very beginning.

As I sat on a hillside tonight crying & praying, I got to the point where the only words I could utter was “I am a child who needs his daddy.”

Friends, I am a child who needs his daddy. I need my heavenly father in a way I cant even express. And I rediscovered tonight that I will do anything, I will give my life to see his love brought to people on this Earth.

I will do anything so that the fatherless and the hopeless and the suicidal and the hungry and the weak and the rich and the poor and everyone on this Earth knows the fullness of the love of God.

I will trust my Father. Because I am a child who needs his dad.

Friday, June 29, 2012

A Hard Lesson, Relearned.

At any given second it feels like our minds can be filled with 1,000's of thoughts. An all encompassing gauntlet of questions, problems, worries, fears, joys, solutions, excitement, etc... It can get pretty cluttered up there sometimes. And when that happens it seems like the least important thing in the whole world becomes the very moment we are in.

Time is a funny thing like that. We spend our whole lives trying to control it but never seem to gain any ground. Being present in the moment we are in becomes a good thought but never manifests itself to a reality most of the time. I'm really starting to believe this is the root of a ton of issues, at least for me.

I came to lead worship with a team of friends this week at Round Lake Camp. Our week was to be spent hanging out with Sr. High students and playing music (pretty great for a youth min/music graduate like myself!). Instead I spent the first few days isolating myself from people and staying locked in my own head, with one foot connected to where I was at and one foot at home.

There were different problems occurring in my life and some things coming up to look forward to. So in my quest for significance, I kept my phone on and with me and stayed logged onto my computer whenever possible, hoping to validate my need to feel needed.

When the things presented to me through communication werent ideal and/or necessarily encouraging, I instantly folded into myself and let pressures from home affect what I was doing in this moment.

However, a great friend reminded me "You chose to be here."

Here. Here is a strange concept for me. I would much rather be lost in thought about all the things I have to get done or people I need to hang out with or the kind of person I need to be. I'd rather be anything than "here."

The great irony is that as I do everything but focus on the present moment, I lack the attentiveness to the Holy Spirit to let God mold me into the person I do need to be.

I just dont read about Jesus coming upon the sick or needy and saying "oh you need some help? well sorry I'm a very important person on my way to do a really important thing."

And I'm pretty sure Paul didnt say in Romans 8 that "nothing in all of creation can separate you from the love of God.....except all your problems, worries, fear, and anxiety."

The reality of God is a loving father, who is strong and able to conquer. A savior who brings us rest, and a Lord who challenges us to make a difference by following his example and obeying his commands. A spirit who acts in us and through us, helping us stay in tune with the melody of God all around us.

I just want to be present. Right here, right now. Because it's all I got. I want to hear Jesus whispering his love to me and see the opportunities he is giving me to send that same message to people around me. There's a lot in this world and in my life that isnt right. But letting a barrage of thoughts and worries come at me wont do anything.

But loving the one in front of me, that can make all the difference in the world.


Monday, June 25, 2012

Silence.

A classic story
The day grows longer
the night grows darker
I'm waiting for dawn to arrive

The noise grows louder
the song in my heart is faint
I'm supposed to perform
but I can't even create

What you want

I cant give
What I need
doesnt exist
What you are
draw me near
Because


Silence is what I want to hear
The noise just makes everything less clear

My lenses feel
crooked as my path
the way I see it
there's no turning back

The way I see
I can't see at all
I'm stumbling, I'm stumbling
I can't see at all









Sunday, June 10, 2012

Las Vegas (pt. 2)


Saturday June 9th was the Laundry Love Project in Las Vegas, and it was a truly amazing experience.

At the end of the day we helped 21 families do 230 loads of laundry. The area Starbucks stores sent out 4 team members (2 managers & 2 employees) to help us as part of an initiative for Starbucks to be more active in helping the community.

We are also going to be partnering with 2 local churches in Las Vegas to try and do a LLP here 4 times a year.

I can honestly say that sitting in my dorm room as a junior at Malone planning car trips with friends around town to go pay for people’s laundry, I never thought it would go this far. I never thought the simple dream of doing whatever it takes to love people would lead to things like this.

Each city and place I have ever been to has its own troubles, and sometimes they seem so vast and numerous. One of the Starbucks managers at the project, Wendy, gave me great insight into some of the problems unique to Vegas.

She informed me that in Las Vegas there is a huge difference between the homeless and the low income people, and there is an even bigger difference between low income and upper middle class.

She spoke of how the education system is struggling and how she believed that and the hunger problem were 2 of the biggest obstacles to growth in Las Vegas. After all “if kids are hungry, why would they want to learn,” Wendy remarked.  Problems like these and others all amount to Las Vegas not being a very close nit community in her mind.

I have also met a church call Grace Point that is seeking to do missional communities just like LoveCanton does. They are 500 strong and committed to doing good in the Las Vegas area.

All in all, I don’t know the exact extent of the issues in Las Vegas, but I do know there are people trying to do something about it.

Trips like this constantly remind me that there are folks committed all across the country to doing whatever it takes to love people. I know from experience that one simple dream of doing whatever takes to love people, can lead to things far beyond what we ever thought possible.

That is just the God we serve.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Las Vegas (pt. 1)

I never thought I would ever get to see Las Vegas. Matter of fact, growing up I never thought I would get to travel anywhere.

I can remember being in middle school and asking my mom if Florida had McDonalds and all the things we have in Ohio. The world and it's contents seemed so out of reach to me that I couldnt even fathom a world that existed outside of what I had seen up to that point.

(I even recall being in high school asking my friends if Kentucky was the capital of Tennessee. Yup. That happened.)

Since that time I have been blessed to travel quite a bit. I still have never been out of the country, but I have gotten to be almost everywhere within it. Las Vegas culture is reminiscent of many that I have seen, but is still highly unique. When you are in Vegas it can be easy to feel like you are on a whole other planet.

I absolutely love to travel. I think its partly because it's something I thought I would never do, partly because its nice to get away from home sometimes, and mostly because the environment and perspective change allows me to connect with God on a deeper level most of the time.

I especially love traveling with a purpose. The purpose of this particular trip is to bless some folks in the area by doing a Laundry Love Project out here.  We are doing the project tomorrow and I have no idea what to expect, but I know that God will show up.

I know that God will show up because he has been speaking to me about the reality that the heart of Jesus beats the same yesterday, today, and forever. That the reality we live in is the present risenness of Jesus at all times. That he has not and will never leave us or forsake us and that life isnt just some string of random moments but in Christ it is a series of events that challenge us, grow us, and ultimately transform us.

I'm still searching for God so bad. The emotional baggage I carry, the things I have experienced both good & bad, the mere reality of growing up into an adult, & so much more can often serve as the biggest obstacle between me & God.

Much like the concept of traveling when I was a kid, the reality of God & his presence can seem so out of reach sometimes. But it is here in Las Vegas that I am being reminded that it is in fact never out of reach. That God is always present, his Spirit always willing & able to work in and through us.

God is slowly but surely building in me the confidence of a purpose, of his grace knowing no limits, and of his love being the ultimate reality.


Wednesday, June 6, 2012

?

My mind opens up like a movie screen
as projections of past rejections
scroll on by. That kind by which I've lived
and the kind that have caused me to die.

All breeding the hurt that led to this day
when to answer the unanswerable
becomes the most seemingly impossible task
ever put in my way.

To say it was a lack of communication
is to put it gently
To say it's because it's new territory
is to say it correctly

The second verse has always been
the hardest to write.
My mind knows what I want
but then doubts it mid-flight.

Kind of like with you
the beginning was clear
but the end, well that's a whole other story
that seems so near.

My head is capable of many things.
trapping me within, however,
might be it's biggest claim
to fame.

Like the style of this poem
my thoughts move and shift
sometimes I'm unable to keep up
and my thoughts go adrift.

For you, I'll try to catch one
of the best kind I know
the one that gives the honest answer
and brings about hope.

I've not much left to say
only that I'm sorry
and as you ask me "for what?"
that there's no simple end to this story.

Monday, June 4, 2012

My Rejected Friend.

A couple of days ago I was sitting in a meeting at a coffee shop drinking some tea. A disheveled man walks in soaking wet from the pouring rain outside. He shuffled over gingerly to my table and approached me and my friends asking if we could help him get something to eat.

Before I could respond one of the workers at the coffee shop said "Hey man, you can't be in here. You have to go." So as the man began to leave I got up and followed him to the door and said "Come on man, I'll walk with you to go get some food." The moment we walked into the restaurant one of the workers looked at him and instantly said "Hey, you know that you can't be in here, you have to go." To which the man pointed at me and replied "But he's buying me food." Then they let us stay.

That man I was with seemed to have a pretty negative reputation around that part of town. The workers who told him to leave seemed to know his face and his name. It seemed to me that whatever he had done in the past was enough to make him not wanted at these establishments.

I'm not telling this story because I want you to focus on my actions, the focus of this story is the man I was with.  In those moments spent with him I felt the pain of a life rejected, A life tossed aside. I felt for a brief instance what it was like to go around and not be wanted wherever you were. And it hurt a lot.

I dont know what this guy did and I'm sure these workers had a good reason for not wanting him around, but I couldnt help but think to myself how opposite this was of the love of God. I couldnt help but think of the countless times I have done something that could have made God ashamed of me or could have made him not want me around anymore. I had no choice but to remember that countless times that God has shown me grace for my humanity and inability to be the person I should be.

Quite frankly, I have not been the person I should be lately. I feel overwhelmed and I feel a distinct inability to sort out the mess going on in my own head. I feel incapable of setting aside my emotions and focusing on God and the people around me. I've been trapped in my own mind and the fruit of it has been destruction, or even worse, a lack of action.

Not having an earthly father has been devastating to me. But God showed me a picture a few nights ago of myself as a little boy being held by my father. All of my senses were engaged in that moment, as my father drifted away and was replaced in the picture by Jesus.

I felt a safety and security for that brief moment like never before. And I believe it was God reminding me that he is the key to the safety & security I so desperately seek.

That man I was with was turned away everywhere we went. He literally seemed to have no place of belonging. Too often in my life I have been able to relate to that feeling. But I know that we serve a God who is more than capable of redeeming broken situations, and who sticks it out with us and never turns us away no matter how much we may deserve it sometimes.

When all we feel is lost and alone, abandoned & rejected, may we not forget our God, who is our rock & fortress.

Friday, May 11, 2012

"Abba"


In an attempt for security and safety, I have built up a false self that is dedicated to providing the love I so desperately crave and it does so by focusing on my performance and whether I meet the expectations I set for myself (or let others set for me).

More and more I believe that God’s biggest desire for me is not to be ridden with anxiety and fear, but to be loved by him. As crazy as this notion sounds to my “do-it-all, know-it-all” self, I think it’s reality.

This is not to say that there isn’t work to be done for God’s kingdom, but how can I ever do any of the true work God desires if I view him as a boss and not a father? The disciples once asked Jesus what the work was that God desired, and Jesus said it was to believe in the one that God sent. (John 6:28-29) Again when asked about the greatest commandments Jesus says that it is love for God and love for neighbor (Mark 12).

It would seem to me that the reality we see in the Bible is:
God is Love
God draws us to him (love)
God doesn’t stop loving us when we fail (his character doesn’t change)
God’s love compels us to truly and fully love others

In his book “Abba’s Child” Brennan Manning asks: “ Do you honestly believe God likes you, not just loves you because theologically God has to love you?”

I believe when our answer to that question is yes, and we mean it, that we are overcome with a beautiful compassion for ourselves, because the heart of God is one of absolute tenderness and compassion.

Jesus captures the fullness of God’s love whenever he refers to God in the most intimate way possible as his “Abba.” That word “Abba” is the most meaningful way one could refer to their father.

When my Father died, my heart grew calloused. It signified the end of any possibility of experiencing that “Abba” relationship on Earth. Or so I thought.

God is slowly and continually transforming my view of him, which I think, is where the healing process truly begins. If I only know God as boss, or anything but my “Abba” then know matter what wounds open up, they wont find healing.

So a weary, broken, and humbled traveler, I resume this journey of finding the identity that lies in Christ, the true self. I hope that no matter who you are, you will walk this journey with me. I hope that God reveals his unwavering love for you as he has begun to reveal it to me.

I am finally able to have hope, because “you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, ‘Abba! Father!’” (Romans 8:15)

Monday, April 30, 2012

....love is made complete.

"You can't give what you don't have"


Those words echoed in my head as I walked the shoreline. I could feel the water between my toes, coming in and leaving again, in the steady rhythm of the tide. At the same time I could feel the water streaming down my face as I surveyed an empty beach.


What was it I wanted to give? God's Love. What was the one thing I wanted more than anything in the world, but didnt think I had? God's love.


It has always felt like the greatest irony in the world to teach and preach of the Father's compassionate love while my own soul has remained numb to it's reality. But thats what I did. Out of an inability to truly mourn my past hurts, to truly come to God as the broken person I am, I created what Brennan Manning calls in his book "Abba's Child" the impostor. The impostor is a fake self, born of fear and grown by the constant harsh realities of the human condition.


I've told my self my whole life, that I can only be accepted when everything is going well. When I perform well, I please God. When I dont, he is disappointed. I told myself that God loves me in spite of my sin, when the truth is that he loves me with it, because that is full acceptance.


I think what breaks the heart of God more than anything is our fear and self rejection. We fear ourselves and everything and everyone around us, and we project our hatred of ourselves and our fearing of screwing up onto God.


"When I remove my pride....love is made complete"


Thomas Merton says "The reason we never enter into the deepest reality of our relationship with God, is that we so seldom acknowledge our utter nothingness before him."


In 2 Corinthians 12:9 the apostle Paul writes "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."


I guess you could say I am learning to come to terms with my weakness. I believe God loves me in a way I havent believed in a while. 


And I believe this is everything. I have made it my life to do anything humanly possible to give the love of the Father to those around me. I have toiled, studied, worked, done everything in my power to show his love to others.


But. "You can't give what you dont have." So God is showing me now that I do have his love. That I have something to give. That, as Macaulay Culkin put it in Home Alone "I'm not afraid anymore!"


I'm through with self-rejection, and through with fear. Fully recognizing that I am Gods son, and he is my father. Fully recognizing that while this will continue to be a process, God has in fact met me on that beach in Atlantic City. He is transforming me and conforming me to the likeness of his son.


Only when I feel safe with God do I feel safe with myself. And I'm learning to feel safe with God.

When I remove my pride.....

It's really, really hard for me to sit here with nothing to do today. Really, really hard.

Now, obviously, being that I'm sitting in a hotel room in beautiful Atlantic City with this problem, you must be saying to yourself  "Corey, thats a great problem to have! It's not even a problem!" While that sentiment rings true in many ways, in my mind the difficulty with being bugged by having nothing to do hints at a much deeper issue for myself.

I was asked about a month ago what it meant to me to be "fearfully & wonderfully made" as the psalmist put it in Psalm 139. My response? "If thats true, it means I lack purpose."

You see, so much of who I am has become defined by what I do, and not just my career, but my accomplishments, my awards, my applause, my praise, my circle of friends, my calendar. All of that stuff has come to define me.

I wish the answer was as simple as I just need to clear my calendar up and stop being so busy, but even when I stare at an empty task list like I am right now, I try to invent ways to be busy. I cant just....... be.

If I am fearfully & wonderfully made by God, that means he loves me for me! That means that the things I do that others may celebrate or the world may look at as success, ultimately have no bearing on how God feels about me!

That notion upsets me greatly. "But God!" I say, " You cant love me for me! Its not possible! I am as good as what I produce! Everybody knows that. The world affirms that. Why cant you get with the picture?"

This is the message I give myself: To do is to be loved, to be loved is the result of what I produce and how I earn it.

I feel the gentle whisper of the Father giving me a new message this week: "You are my son, nothing changes that. I love you buddy! I love you because you are you! I loved you before you ever did anything!"

Whoa.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer said in his book "Life Together" that "all sin is rooted in pride." Yes! Because pride doesnt just mean we think more highly of ourselves, it also is prideful when we let our insecurities rule in us as well! Pride is a total and unwavering focus on the self, on me. My rights, my honor, my glory.

Pride has to get out of the way for perfect love to be made complete in us.

Its not instantaneous, but I'm on the journey. I've taken another step on the road to realizing that the God who created our vast universe, who created this ocean I'm currently staring at, loves me.

We are "significantly insignificant" as Louie Giglio put it. Our lives are a breath, our planet but a tiny blue dot in the galaxy. Yet God took our form to die for us, he took our form to be with us. Why? Because that is the very nature of God, to love.

You are loved. Period. It's a fact, a truth. So be loved. It can be harder than I ever realized to accept this truth sometimes, but it's still truth :)


Sunday, April 29, 2012

Delaware.

I hug the darkness
wear it like a badge
lock it away inside
fear drives me mad

Scared of the light
of what's underneath
Scared of hoping
I hide under the sheets

Oh Delaware, I'm aware
my confession, needs to be made
Oh Maryland, could you
let love land?
Let it fall right at my feet.

Trees in bloom
make some room
for spring to rise
for love to be true

But this winter ark
built in my heart
two by two, marches every doubt
I have about you


Oh Delaware, I'm aware
my confession, needs to be made
Oh Maryland, could you
let love land?
Let it fall right at my feet.

The dust kicks up
when you touch my heart
a road less traveled
place I've never been
But, life draws nigh
and the summer sky
the dove in the sky
show signs of peace again.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

And God.

I am out for my own gain
and God will give me over
I strive, I view peace as pain
and God will give me over

To do is to be comforted
and God will give me over
To be is to be worthless
and God will give me over

Could I be raised from the dead?
Could your holy perfume anoint my head?
Could words of hope be true?
My Jesus, could I ever truly love you?

I seek no spirit, only what is seen
and God keeps pushing forward
I'm a doubter, a dead man
and God keeps pushing forward

I love my life, I seek praise from men
and God keeps pushing forward
without guilt, I have no motivation
and God keeps pushing forward

Could I come back from the dead?
Be given life by what you have said?
Am I orphaned? Forever Alone?
My Jesus, will you overcome?

Broken open am I
and God draws me closer.
of flesh I am not, of spirit am I.
And God draws me closer.

I walk out from the tomb that I hide
and God draws me closer
I see no more death, only everlasting life
and God holds on forever.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

There comes a point

There comes a point
I cant explain
There comes a point
a time, a place

There comes a time
it's moving fast
There comes a time
this will not last

There comes a place
I know it well
There comes a place
be it heaven or hell

All I have lost
is counted in this cost
the cries, the pain
the imminent fear
should have never existed
shouldnt find it's way here
I wait for the point, the time, the place
when it disappears.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

I Have an Idea.

The idea dares to dream
the idea isnt what it seems
I watch it unfold
my heart ripped at the seams

But the idea restores it
the idea is the missing piece
the idea is more than a thought
it's the missing link

The idea rattles around
full throttle in my head
until the idea rests itself
but wait, it never rests

So I'm left out of control
the idea taking over
The idea is too slick
it cant be held onto

I try to capture the thought
take it captive like I should
but the idea is greater
doing more than I could

The idea grows larger
as I move from place to place.
Racing and racing
you can see the idea on my face

It cant be hidden
It wont be bought, traded, or sold
the idea is like a parasite
taking over my soul

I just want the idea to leave
so I can clearly see
but the idea blocks my path
and says "there is only me"

So the idea takes on a life of its own
pulling me apart. Yet,
Strangely it puts me back together
which was the idea from the start.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Talk about love.

What's there to say?
Why make up the words?
If I've done my job
My life's already been heard

Not that I needed your praise
your faith's unbegotten
if it's in me, a man
whose heart can be rotten

I write to say the things
that maybe arent seen everyday
like the hope you gave me
when you looked my way

Even if my life's said nothing at all
maybe my words will convince you to care
maybe I could persuade you to try
maybe I could talk you into love.