Saturday, June 30, 2012

Visiting My Childhood


On an impulse tonight I decided to visit my childhood home, the place where I grew up until I was about 10 years old.

It’s an old apartment complex near Wadsworth, OH and I hadn’t been at this place since I moved way back in July of 1999. 13 years has passed since I last set foot on this property.

It’s not a very big space. It probably has about 8 apartments all side by side, a parking lot, a backyard space, and it sits next to a church and behind an abandoned office building.

But going back reminded me of just how huge it seemed growing up. The field that separated us and the office building felt like it was a couple miles long, the trees were the biggest I had ever seen, my apartment felt like a huge mansion, the parking lot was a raceway where I discovered how fast I could go on my bike, and all the steps leading uphill seemed unconquerable.

Tonight I was flooded with memories, great and not so great ones from my early childhood.  Most of which I had forgotten, some by choice.

This slice of town was the world to me, and my only concern was playing with my toys and being with my family and friends. My only need was to be loved.

I have a lot of brokenness in my heart. I’m heavy with hurt and I mourn many things that have both happened to me and that were withheld from me. I need a lot of healing inside.

Tonight was helpful to that end. Because while there were many painful memories that came back from visiting my childhood, what I ultimately experienced was the reality of God’s fatherhood.

I looked back in my mind’s eye and saw God playing basketball with me, walking next to me as I rode my bike, laughing with me in the joyful moments, and comforting me in the sad.

I saw Jesus being a dad from the very beginning.

As I sat on a hillside tonight crying & praying, I got to the point where the only words I could utter was “I am a child who needs his daddy.”

Friends, I am a child who needs his daddy. I need my heavenly father in a way I cant even express. And I rediscovered tonight that I will do anything, I will give my life to see his love brought to people on this Earth.

I will do anything so that the fatherless and the hopeless and the suicidal and the hungry and the weak and the rich and the poor and everyone on this Earth knows the fullness of the love of God.

I will trust my Father. Because I am a child who needs his dad.

Friday, June 29, 2012

A Hard Lesson, Relearned.

At any given second it feels like our minds can be filled with 1,000's of thoughts. An all encompassing gauntlet of questions, problems, worries, fears, joys, solutions, excitement, etc... It can get pretty cluttered up there sometimes. And when that happens it seems like the least important thing in the whole world becomes the very moment we are in.

Time is a funny thing like that. We spend our whole lives trying to control it but never seem to gain any ground. Being present in the moment we are in becomes a good thought but never manifests itself to a reality most of the time. I'm really starting to believe this is the root of a ton of issues, at least for me.

I came to lead worship with a team of friends this week at Round Lake Camp. Our week was to be spent hanging out with Sr. High students and playing music (pretty great for a youth min/music graduate like myself!). Instead I spent the first few days isolating myself from people and staying locked in my own head, with one foot connected to where I was at and one foot at home.

There were different problems occurring in my life and some things coming up to look forward to. So in my quest for significance, I kept my phone on and with me and stayed logged onto my computer whenever possible, hoping to validate my need to feel needed.

When the things presented to me through communication werent ideal and/or necessarily encouraging, I instantly folded into myself and let pressures from home affect what I was doing in this moment.

However, a great friend reminded me "You chose to be here."

Here. Here is a strange concept for me. I would much rather be lost in thought about all the things I have to get done or people I need to hang out with or the kind of person I need to be. I'd rather be anything than "here."

The great irony is that as I do everything but focus on the present moment, I lack the attentiveness to the Holy Spirit to let God mold me into the person I do need to be.

I just dont read about Jesus coming upon the sick or needy and saying "oh you need some help? well sorry I'm a very important person on my way to do a really important thing."

And I'm pretty sure Paul didnt say in Romans 8 that "nothing in all of creation can separate you from the love of God.....except all your problems, worries, fear, and anxiety."

The reality of God is a loving father, who is strong and able to conquer. A savior who brings us rest, and a Lord who challenges us to make a difference by following his example and obeying his commands. A spirit who acts in us and through us, helping us stay in tune with the melody of God all around us.

I just want to be present. Right here, right now. Because it's all I got. I want to hear Jesus whispering his love to me and see the opportunities he is giving me to send that same message to people around me. There's a lot in this world and in my life that isnt right. But letting a barrage of thoughts and worries come at me wont do anything.

But loving the one in front of me, that can make all the difference in the world.


Monday, June 25, 2012

Silence.

A classic story
The day grows longer
the night grows darker
I'm waiting for dawn to arrive

The noise grows louder
the song in my heart is faint
I'm supposed to perform
but I can't even create

What you want

I cant give
What I need
doesnt exist
What you are
draw me near
Because


Silence is what I want to hear
The noise just makes everything less clear

My lenses feel
crooked as my path
the way I see it
there's no turning back

The way I see
I can't see at all
I'm stumbling, I'm stumbling
I can't see at all









Sunday, June 10, 2012

Las Vegas (pt. 2)


Saturday June 9th was the Laundry Love Project in Las Vegas, and it was a truly amazing experience.

At the end of the day we helped 21 families do 230 loads of laundry. The area Starbucks stores sent out 4 team members (2 managers & 2 employees) to help us as part of an initiative for Starbucks to be more active in helping the community.

We are also going to be partnering with 2 local churches in Las Vegas to try and do a LLP here 4 times a year.

I can honestly say that sitting in my dorm room as a junior at Malone planning car trips with friends around town to go pay for people’s laundry, I never thought it would go this far. I never thought the simple dream of doing whatever it takes to love people would lead to things like this.

Each city and place I have ever been to has its own troubles, and sometimes they seem so vast and numerous. One of the Starbucks managers at the project, Wendy, gave me great insight into some of the problems unique to Vegas.

She informed me that in Las Vegas there is a huge difference between the homeless and the low income people, and there is an even bigger difference between low income and upper middle class.

She spoke of how the education system is struggling and how she believed that and the hunger problem were 2 of the biggest obstacles to growth in Las Vegas. After all “if kids are hungry, why would they want to learn,” Wendy remarked.  Problems like these and others all amount to Las Vegas not being a very close nit community in her mind.

I have also met a church call Grace Point that is seeking to do missional communities just like LoveCanton does. They are 500 strong and committed to doing good in the Las Vegas area.

All in all, I don’t know the exact extent of the issues in Las Vegas, but I do know there are people trying to do something about it.

Trips like this constantly remind me that there are folks committed all across the country to doing whatever it takes to love people. I know from experience that one simple dream of doing whatever takes to love people, can lead to things far beyond what we ever thought possible.

That is just the God we serve.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Las Vegas (pt. 1)

I never thought I would ever get to see Las Vegas. Matter of fact, growing up I never thought I would get to travel anywhere.

I can remember being in middle school and asking my mom if Florida had McDonalds and all the things we have in Ohio. The world and it's contents seemed so out of reach to me that I couldnt even fathom a world that existed outside of what I had seen up to that point.

(I even recall being in high school asking my friends if Kentucky was the capital of Tennessee. Yup. That happened.)

Since that time I have been blessed to travel quite a bit. I still have never been out of the country, but I have gotten to be almost everywhere within it. Las Vegas culture is reminiscent of many that I have seen, but is still highly unique. When you are in Vegas it can be easy to feel like you are on a whole other planet.

I absolutely love to travel. I think its partly because it's something I thought I would never do, partly because its nice to get away from home sometimes, and mostly because the environment and perspective change allows me to connect with God on a deeper level most of the time.

I especially love traveling with a purpose. The purpose of this particular trip is to bless some folks in the area by doing a Laundry Love Project out here.  We are doing the project tomorrow and I have no idea what to expect, but I know that God will show up.

I know that God will show up because he has been speaking to me about the reality that the heart of Jesus beats the same yesterday, today, and forever. That the reality we live in is the present risenness of Jesus at all times. That he has not and will never leave us or forsake us and that life isnt just some string of random moments but in Christ it is a series of events that challenge us, grow us, and ultimately transform us.

I'm still searching for God so bad. The emotional baggage I carry, the things I have experienced both good & bad, the mere reality of growing up into an adult, & so much more can often serve as the biggest obstacle between me & God.

Much like the concept of traveling when I was a kid, the reality of God & his presence can seem so out of reach sometimes. But it is here in Las Vegas that I am being reminded that it is in fact never out of reach. That God is always present, his Spirit always willing & able to work in and through us.

God is slowly but surely building in me the confidence of a purpose, of his grace knowing no limits, and of his love being the ultimate reality.


Wednesday, June 6, 2012

?

My mind opens up like a movie screen
as projections of past rejections
scroll on by. That kind by which I've lived
and the kind that have caused me to die.

All breeding the hurt that led to this day
when to answer the unanswerable
becomes the most seemingly impossible task
ever put in my way.

To say it was a lack of communication
is to put it gently
To say it's because it's new territory
is to say it correctly

The second verse has always been
the hardest to write.
My mind knows what I want
but then doubts it mid-flight.

Kind of like with you
the beginning was clear
but the end, well that's a whole other story
that seems so near.

My head is capable of many things.
trapping me within, however,
might be it's biggest claim
to fame.

Like the style of this poem
my thoughts move and shift
sometimes I'm unable to keep up
and my thoughts go adrift.

For you, I'll try to catch one
of the best kind I know
the one that gives the honest answer
and brings about hope.

I've not much left to say
only that I'm sorry
and as you ask me "for what?"
that there's no simple end to this story.

Monday, June 4, 2012

My Rejected Friend.

A couple of days ago I was sitting in a meeting at a coffee shop drinking some tea. A disheveled man walks in soaking wet from the pouring rain outside. He shuffled over gingerly to my table and approached me and my friends asking if we could help him get something to eat.

Before I could respond one of the workers at the coffee shop said "Hey man, you can't be in here. You have to go." So as the man began to leave I got up and followed him to the door and said "Come on man, I'll walk with you to go get some food." The moment we walked into the restaurant one of the workers looked at him and instantly said "Hey, you know that you can't be in here, you have to go." To which the man pointed at me and replied "But he's buying me food." Then they let us stay.

That man I was with seemed to have a pretty negative reputation around that part of town. The workers who told him to leave seemed to know his face and his name. It seemed to me that whatever he had done in the past was enough to make him not wanted at these establishments.

I'm not telling this story because I want you to focus on my actions, the focus of this story is the man I was with.  In those moments spent with him I felt the pain of a life rejected, A life tossed aside. I felt for a brief instance what it was like to go around and not be wanted wherever you were. And it hurt a lot.

I dont know what this guy did and I'm sure these workers had a good reason for not wanting him around, but I couldnt help but think to myself how opposite this was of the love of God. I couldnt help but think of the countless times I have done something that could have made God ashamed of me or could have made him not want me around anymore. I had no choice but to remember that countless times that God has shown me grace for my humanity and inability to be the person I should be.

Quite frankly, I have not been the person I should be lately. I feel overwhelmed and I feel a distinct inability to sort out the mess going on in my own head. I feel incapable of setting aside my emotions and focusing on God and the people around me. I've been trapped in my own mind and the fruit of it has been destruction, or even worse, a lack of action.

Not having an earthly father has been devastating to me. But God showed me a picture a few nights ago of myself as a little boy being held by my father. All of my senses were engaged in that moment, as my father drifted away and was replaced in the picture by Jesus.

I felt a safety and security for that brief moment like never before. And I believe it was God reminding me that he is the key to the safety & security I so desperately seek.

That man I was with was turned away everywhere we went. He literally seemed to have no place of belonging. Too often in my life I have been able to relate to that feeling. But I know that we serve a God who is more than capable of redeeming broken situations, and who sticks it out with us and never turns us away no matter how much we may deserve it sometimes.

When all we feel is lost and alone, abandoned & rejected, may we not forget our God, who is our rock & fortress.