"Abba"

In an attempt for security and safety, I have built up a false self that is dedicated to providing the love I so desperately crave and it does so by focusing on my performance and whether I meet the expectations I set for myself (or let others set for me).

More and more I believe that God’s biggest desire for me is not to be ridden with anxiety and fear, but to be loved by him. As crazy as this notion sounds to my “do-it-all, know-it-all” self, I think it’s reality.

This is not to say that there isn’t work to be done for God’s kingdom, but how can I ever do any of the true work God desires if I view him as a boss and not a father? The disciples once asked Jesus what the work was that God desired, and Jesus said it was to believe in the one that God sent. (John 6:28-29) Again when asked about the greatest commandments Jesus says that it is love for God and love for neighbor (Mark 12).

It would seem to me that the reality we see in the Bible is:

God is Love

God draws us to him (love)

God doesn’t stop loving us when we fail (his character doesn’t change)

God’s love compels us to truly and fully love others

In his book “Abba’s Child” Brennan Manning asks: “ Do you honestly believe God likes you, not just loves you because theologically God has to love you?”

I believe when our answer to that question is yes, and we mean it, that we are overcome with a beautiful compassion for ourselves, because the heart of God is one of absolute tenderness and compassion.

Jesus captures the fullness of God’s love whenever he refers to God in the most intimate way possible as his “Abba.” That word “Abba” is the most meaningful way one could refer to their father.

When my Father died, my heart grew calloused. It signified the end of any possibility of experiencing that “Abba” relationship on Earth. Or so I thought.

God is slowly and continually transforming my view of him, which I think, is where the healing process truly begins. If I only know God as boss, or anything but my “Abba” then know matter what wounds open up, they wont find healing.

So a weary, broken, and humbled traveler, I resume this journey of finding the identity that lies in Christ, the true self. I hope that no matter who you are, you will walk this journey with me. I hope that God reveals his unwavering love for you as he has begun to reveal it to me.

I am finally able to have hope, because “you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, ‘Abba! Father!’” (Romans 8:15)

....love is made complete.

"You can't give what you don't have"


Those words echoed in my head as I walked the shoreline. I could feel the water between my toes, coming in and leaving again, in the steady rhythm of the tide. At the same time I could feel the water streaming down my face as I surveyed an empty beach.


What was it I wanted to give? God's Love. What was the one thing I wanted more than anything in the world, but didnt think I had? God's love.


It has always felt like the greatest irony in the world to teach and preach of the Father's compassionate love while my own soul has remained numb to it's reality. But thats what I did. Out of an inability to truly mourn my past hurts, to truly come to God as the broken person I am, I created what Brennan Manning calls in his book "Abba's Child" the impostor. The impostor is a fake self, born of fear and grown by the constant harsh realities of the human condition.


I've told my self my whole life, that I can only be accepted when everything is going well. When I perform well, I please God. When I dont, he is disappointed. I told myself that God loves me in spite of my sin, when the truth is that he loves me with it, because that is full acceptance.


I think what breaks the heart of God more than anything is our fear and self rejection. We fear ourselves and everything and everyone around us, and we project our hatred of ourselves and our fearing of screwing up onto God.


"When I remove my pride....love is made complete"


Thomas Merton says "The reason we never enter into the deepest reality of our relationship with God, is that we so seldom acknowledge our utter nothingness before him."


In 2 Corinthians 12:9 the apostle Paul writes "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."


I guess you could say I am learning to come to terms with my weakness. I believe God loves me in a way I havent believed in a while. 


And I believe this is everything. I have made it my life to do anything humanly possible to give the love of the Father to those around me. I have toiled, studied, worked, done everything in my power to show his love to others.


But. "You can't give what you dont have." So God is showing me now that I do have his love. That I have something to give. That, as Macaulay Culkin put it in Home Alone "I'm not afraid anymore!"


I'm through with self-rejection, and through with fear. Fully recognizing that I am Gods son, and he is my father. Fully recognizing that while this will continue to be a process, God has in fact met me on that beach in Atlantic City. He is transforming me and conforming me to the likeness of his son.


Only when I feel safe with God do I feel safe with myself. And I'm learning to feel safe with God.

When I remove my pride.....

It's really, really hard for me to sit here with nothing to do today. Really, really hard.

Now, obviously, being that I'm sitting in a hotel room in beautiful Atlantic City with this problem, you must be saying to yourself  "Corey, thats a great problem to have! It's not even a problem!" While that sentiment rings true in many ways, in my mind the difficulty with being bugged by having nothing to do hints at a much deeper issue for myself.

I was asked about a month ago what it meant to me to be "fearfully & wonderfully made" as the psalmist put it in Psalm 139. My response? "If thats true, it means I lack purpose."

You see, so much of who I am has become defined by what I do, and not just my career, but my accomplishments, my awards, my applause, my praise, my circle of friends, my calendar. All of that stuff has come to define me.

I wish the answer was as simple as I just need to clear my calendar up and stop being so busy, but even when I stare at an empty task list like I am right now, I try to invent ways to be busy. I cant just....... be.

If I am fearfully & wonderfully made by God, that means he loves me for me! That means that the things I do that others may celebrate or the world may look at as success, ultimately have no bearing on how God feels about me!

That notion upsets me greatly. "But God!" I say, " You cant love me for me! Its not possible! I am as good as what I produce! Everybody knows that. The world affirms that. Why cant you get with the picture?"

This is the message I give myself: To do is to be loved, to be loved is the result of what I produce and how I earn it.

I feel the gentle whisper of the Father giving me a new message this week: "You are my son, nothing changes that. I love you buddy! I love you because you are you! I loved you before you ever did anything!"

Whoa.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer said in his book "Life Together" that "all sin is rooted in pride." Yes! Because pride doesnt just mean we think more highly of ourselves, it also is prideful when we let our insecurities rule in us as well! Pride is a total and unwavering focus on the self, on me. My rights, my honor, my glory.

Pride has to get out of the way for perfect love to be made complete in us.

Its not instantaneous, but I'm on the journey. I've taken another step on the road to realizing that the God who created our vast universe, who created this ocean I'm currently staring at, loves me.

We are "significantly insignificant" as Louie Giglio put it. Our lives are a breath, our planet but a tiny blue dot in the galaxy. Yet God took our form to die for us, he took our form to be with us. Why? Because that is the very nature of God, to love.

You are loved. Period. It's a fact, a truth. So be loved. It can be harder than I ever realized to accept this truth sometimes, but it's still truth :)

Delaware.

I hug the darkness
wear it like a badge
lock it away inside
fear drives me mad

Scared of the light
of what's underneath
Scared of hoping
I hide under the sheets

Oh Delaware, I'm aware
my confession, needs to be made
Oh Maryland, could you
let love land?
Let it fall right at my feet.

Trees in bloom
make some room
for spring to rise
for love to be true

But this winter ark
built in my heart
two by two, marches every doubt
I have about you

Oh Delaware, I'm aware

my confession, needs to be made

Oh Maryland, could you

let love land?

Let it fall right at my feet.

The dust kicks up

when you touch my heart

a road less traveled

place I've never been

But, life draws nigh

and the summer sky

the dove in the sky

show signs of peace again.

And God.

I am out for my own gain

and God will give me over

I strive, I view peace as pain

and God will give me over

To do is to be comforted

and God will give me over

To be is to be worthless

and God will give me over

Could I be raised from the dead?

Could your holy perfume anoint my head?

Could words of hope be true?

My Jesus, could I ever truly love you?

I seek no spirit, only what is seen

and God keeps pushing forward

I'm a doubter, a dead man

and God keeps pushing forward

I love my life, I seek praise from men

and God keeps pushing forward

without guilt, I have no motivation

and God keeps pushing forward

Could I come back from the dead?

Be given life by what you have said?

Am I orphaned? Forever Alone?

My Jesus, will you overcome?

Broken open am I

and God draws me closer.

of flesh I am not, of spirit am I.

And God draws me closer.

I walk out from the tomb that I hide

and God draws me closer

I see no more death, only everlasting life

and God holds on forever.

There comes a point

There comes a point
I cant explain
There comes a point
a time, a place

There comes a time
it's moving fast
There comes a time
this will not last

There comes a place
I know it well
There comes a place
be it heaven or hell

All I have lost
is counted in this cost
the cries, the pain
the imminent fear
should have never existed
shouldnt find it's way here
I wait for the point, the time, the place
when it disappears.

I Have an Idea.

The idea dares to dream
the idea isnt what it seems
I watch it unfold
my heart ripped at the seams

But the idea restores it
the idea is the missing piece
the idea is more than a thought
it's the missing link

The idea rattles around
full throttle in my head
until the idea rests itself
but wait, it never rests

So I'm left out of control
the idea taking over
The idea is too slick
it cant be held onto

I try to capture the thought
take it captive like I should
but the idea is greater
doing more than I could

The idea grows larger
as I move from place to place.
Racing and racing
you can see the idea on my face

It cant be hidden
It wont be bought, traded, or sold
the idea is like a parasite
taking over my soul

I just want the idea to leave
so I can clearly see
but the idea blocks my path
and says "there is only me"

So the idea takes on a life of its own
pulling me apart. Yet,
Strangely it puts me back together
which was the idea from the start.