I Did Nothing Today (Except Write This Blog).

I'm an engaged man! Woohoo!

I'm an engaged man! Who has so much in the realm of job/career stuff weighing on my mind! Woohoo!

I'm an engaged man! With everything relating to job/career/financial stuff on my mind! With a non-profit ministry to continue running! Woohoo!

I'm an engaged man! With job/career/money stuff on the brain! With a non-profit ministry! With friends to spend time with! With a wedding to plan! With simple daily tasks like cleaning my house to accomplish! With an old car that often needs work! With tons of family issues to always work through! Who is in counseling! Who is trying to follow Jesus and spend time with Him! Who needs to love my fiance well! Who needs to also take care of his physical health! Who has an inbox full of emails! Who needs to rest! Who wants to keep loving the poor and pursuing my passions to see under- resourced communities and people thrive! Who has hurts! Who is in pain! Who needs love! Woohoo!

You get the hint. When all of the things we juggle as people are written out, the list can start to get pretty long and heavy sometimes. Keep in mind, that doesn't even include being a married man or being a father yet, which are seasons of life yet to come. Right now I'm in a season where there is a ton on my plate, and yet I spent the majority of my free time today playing a video game and reading SportsCenter articles.

Are you mad?!!! Insane?!! That's what I thought to myself during my hours of sinking into the abyss today as I filled my head with mindless activities. The immediate next feelings were of guilt, anxiety, tension, fear, etc over the day that had already been laid to waste.

When I took the time to stop the madness of doing nothing and spend some time praying to God, I realized I have a major capacity issue.

What I mean by that is my capacity as a human being to take in and process all the relational, financial, spiritual, emotional, physical, and psychological stimuli I experience on a daily basis is not big enough for the season of life I am in. Consequently, things can just feel miserable and hard and make me want to shut down sometimes. That was today.

It's natural when we feel on overload to want to shut down. Simultaneously it comes with this overwhelming feeling of guilt because we know we aren't living up to expectations, whether they be others, our own, or God's. We are all desperately needy people, and when those needs aren't being met and we are giving out, or feeling like we are having more ripped away from us, than we take in and receive, it causes a meltdown.

Everybody copes differently, and to be honest this is where many addictions gain their power. We need something, it isn't being given to us, we are getting things taken out of us, and so we go to extremes to ease our neediness and fill in our own gaps.

The point is Jesus and his grace are the only things that can fill the very real gaps in our lives.

The start of this blog was not meant to be a point of bragging about how much I got going for me. To be real, as a teenager 90 percent of my time was spent lying around, watching tv, indulging in addictions, and giving nothing back to the world. Why? Because I felt like I was worthless, no one cared, and I had nothing going for me.

Over the years as I have followed Jesus I have seen Him do this crazy thing where in each season of life he stretches my ability to handle life more and more. I simply did not have the capacity to be where I am at in life currently a year ago, or two years ago, so on and so forth.

But this is the heart of the matter! In our walk with Christ his goal is to make us look more like Him and a giant part of that is in the way we let him grow us up in maturity and capacity!

Often we aren't willing to go into the depths of our soul or into the hard places where we need to go, and we certainly don't want Jesus going there with us. So we avoid, we slink back from maturity and growth. What this creates is a huge tension because our bodies are getting older but our maturity stays where it was as a kid, or worse, it regresses!

These are the people who are in their 40's and 50's that should be in a place where they are leading the next generation, but they lack the ability to even take care of themselves. The character and maturity just never happened. Usually its due to life circumstances and huge wounds we receive from other people that hurt us.

This is where the grace part comes in. The reality is that none of us in our fallen and broken human state should ever have the ability to take on anything. But in Gods grace and mercy He offers his hand to us and says "you see that incredibly painful place in your life that is holding you back? I want to go there with you and help you heal and grow back stronger."

It's our choice to take the hand of Christ and say, "Yes Lord, I'm willing to go there with you. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to grow and be able to love more like you. I'm willing to let you stretch me and help me mature."

My prayer is that God would continue to stretch my capacity to handle life in all seasons and circumstances, and that I would receive his grace when I'm simply unable to handle what is on my plate. The bottom line is it's His strength, and not ours, that truly helps us to thrive in this lifetime and not just survive.

May we be open with God and others about the places we are weak and vulnerable and don't quite get it yet, and may we be willing to go when Christ prompts us to walk into our places of hurt and need, holding his hand all the way.